Need some advices from u all out there..
    
 
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  1. #1
    Junior Member Aquarius84 is on a distinguished road
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    Need some advices from u all out there..

    Hello BTBs out there, am starting a thread hoping to get more advises from you out there.

    I will be getting married in 6 mths' time. Not sure if i am getting the wedding jitters now. But then it seems like i am getting emotional recently, often quarreling with htb for nth or only the slightest issue.

    The story goes like this. HTB is the only son in the family. MIL dotes alot on him often cooks for him and is a typical traditional housewife. She thinks dining outside is not healthy (I thot so too) However, i dont really cook and maybe if i do, its just a simple dinner and i cant boil soup neither. I am also not a housechore person, can be pretty lazy, which i admit. (Theres once, MIL ask HTB whether i knows how to cook, my Mom cooks, do i do housework chores.. hearing these from my htb makes my heart sank deeper.. The thots keeps coming to my mind, revolving ard my mind.

    Then, recently i have stop working for now am taking a break first cause i cant cope at work. Only htb knows, but i dont dare to let MIL knows yet. I am a very sensitive person who can think of neg things and not positive things. So my fear is, i cant cook, cant do gd housechore, unemployed, do i still have the right to be with him? Can i still take care of him?

    Am i feeling insecure? Thats what leads to me constantly arguing with him?



    Many thanks to your advises!

  2. #2
    Member Yanling is on a distinguished road
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    hi dear, what a tough patch you're going through. it's always complicated when MIL comes into the equation. my MIL is super naggy also, and has a lot of expectations of me. eg keep asking us when are we having a baby when we are only preparing the wedding.. LOL.

    anyway, your HTB cares about his mum a lot? he needs to understand that even though he has to be filial to his mother, once he marries you, you will be considered his family. so he should care about your feelings more as he will be marrying you, not his mother. i believe there is a line to be drawn by your htb. if he chose you, he should follow through and love you and give you affirmation even though you cant cook, do housework chores etc. that is very important.

    we females tend to feel insecure more than men. i feel insecure a lot of times also, in work, in relationships, etc. it's my htb that pulls me through all these and give me the affirmation i need that im good enough for him and dont need to be more, not for him or anyone else. It's most likely these insecurities that are driving you to quarrel with him often, happened to me also. when we dont feel good about ourselves, it affects how we act towards the whole world around us.

    how is your htb reacting to all these? does he side with his mil or you more?

  3. #3
    Junior Member Aquarius84 is on a distinguished road
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    Hi Yanling, thanks so much for your advice. To ans your question, yes HTB indeed cares abt his mom. Once he told me, dont ask him to side with me or his mom, he will side with the fact. There is once we argue over one minor issue and actuali i shouldnt be so harsh. I said, ya la yes la your mother is very smart and nice. She can cook, can do household chores can take care of you so well, i aint nth, i cannot do all these. I asked for it, u nvr intend to marry me in the first place, it was me who ask u to get a flat, etc...

    He will always say i think too much. Smts when we quarrel, he will ask then what you want me to do. I told him, i am a female, i need affirmation, your attention, your concern and not just silence... Seriously, i really hated it when he keeps quiet as if i'm being a bitch bullying him.

    For your last question, i really cant give you an answer. Only he, in his heart truly knows. I cant force him to side anyone either. But, his mom is also a rather nice person to be with. But when those bad thots came to my mind, i just cant help and feels terrible.

  4. #4
    Member Yanling is on a distinguished road
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    seems that he's being caught in a tough situation, a woman who raised him and a woman who will be his wife. This is quite common, there are many women in your shoes too.

    before your unemployment, were you working full time? i'm working full time and i find it really hard to do household chores etc when im at home and so tired already. thankfully my htb understands and we will have a helper come over about 3 times a week. if you intend to go back to working, then he should understand that we have limited energy and try to outsource the things that a helper can do. maybe occasionally you two can cook together, it's a fun activity and you dont have to be pressurised to do well since it's both of you having fun together. that should be the aim rather than you putting expectation on yourself to cook well for him.

    at the end, it's not our abilities that make us who we are. if he wanted all that, he might as well go and marry a maid. he loves you for who you are and that's y he wants you to be his wife. sometimes you have to tell him that you are a woman and that you need affimation, attention and concern. men can be very dense, they really dont know how to act sometimes. communication is v impt.

  5. #5
    Member icequeen is on a distinguished road
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    Hey dear gal,
    I don't think your 'worth' is determined by whether you can cook or do household chores or not. If he loves you, he loves you.
    On the other hand, since you don't know how to do these things, and if you think these issues are making you feel insecure and leading to the quarrels, then maybe you can learn? Its really not hard, and you don't need to become super chef or something like that. That way you'll solve the problem at the bud. In any case, you'll also need these 'skills' in future when you have children

  6. #6
    Senior Member honeydew is on a distinguished road
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    agree with icequeen. a person's worth is not measured by his/her abilities. your hubby has to love you for who you are, otherwise it is going to be very hard to last through.

  7. #7
    Junior Member Aquarius84 is on a distinguished road
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    Hi All,

    Many thanks to the advices from you.. Really appreciated! He told me whenever his mom cooks and if he told her he will be settling his own lunch/dinner, his mom face will changed. And vice versa when facing the same issue with me.

    Actuali, i really hated it when he is being sandwiched in between. I told him ytd, if he is able to stand up for me and be supportive, i would be glad that he tell his family that i am currently unemployed as here i am asking him to lie to his family, there i am asking him not to lie to me. If you ladies out there understands what i mean. I also dun want to go anywhere and face the fear of meeting his family outside anywhere.

    My gal friend told me, you dont need to be accountable to anyone as you dun need them to feed you. But in this case, i am wondering if future MIL will think i aint a good wife who can take care of his son. I am just too overly worried abt how/what do they think.

    Yes i told htb i want to tell future MIL i dunno how to cook, dunno how to do household chores but i am willing to learn. Thing is will she think how my mother raised me or things may go haywire then?? Now i dun even dare to go to his house as i feel that i am constrained and not myself at all.. I also know cannot hide forever but I am just so scared.

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