When is it time to give up?

[icequeen]

Hi all,

i got married in April this year. I never asked for anything from my husband (he's English and living in a village in UK) - I didnt ask for bigger diamonds, I paid for the whole wedding (even though its small), I paid my own dowry ( he said he didnt have $ and we even broke up because he said it was 'out of order' to ask for money even though i have mentioned all these before to him when he proposed). He didnt do any preparations of his own, didnt search up information about Chinese weddings etc. I'm Catholic and as he's divorced, I'm now an 'adulterer' and my religion means so much to me. I gave up so much for him yet he insulted the church many times. After marriage i was prepared to move over -- just needed visa. I prepared my documents, submitted the online form, and was waiting for him to send his documents over. 3 mths later, i finally gave up waiting. I unpacked my DHL box, and started looking for a new job here in Sg. He said he didnt want to lose me. But how can I trust him? I went over for a holiday not long ago and we quarrelled a lot, over little things. I didnt even ask to go somewhere nice for holiday. We went camping instead, which was his suggestion. Camping's fine but anyone who like a little honeymoon right? He gave no suggestions about how we can move our marriage forward, he won't move over, and he said many insulting things to me. And still turn around and say its me who doesnt want to move over so what can he do.

My friends and sister ask why I'm still dragging this rs. I dont know. He's a good man in a lot of ways, but I'm not sure he really loves me as i dont see any effort on his part towards this rs. But i've no courage to end it. So often I regret marrying him.

Should I wait and wait for him to do something?

 

[Lindah]

Hi dear, if im not wrong, in the Catholic faith, if one spouse cheats on the other, then there is grounds for divorce? Religion esp Christianity is very important to many of us and our partners should share the same faith otherwise there are potential for not getting along in the future..

 

[icequeen]

he was divorced in the past. But because his previous marriage wasnt annulled (by the church), by marrying him I'm committing adultery. I see many couples whose other half isnt Catholic but they respect each other's faith and many go along with them to church every week. But my husband isn't like that. I dont expect him to come with me or believe, but he shouldnt insult me right? When he's angry he said 'you think you're perfect because you've got God and Jesus on your side'. Is that acceptable?

 

[Lindah]

yea it's dependent on person actually, i had an ex bf who even though didnt share the same faith, but he didnt insult either. Guess that's the difference between people of different faiths.. the base foundation of beliefs are different already.

your sister and family ask why you are dragging on the relationship, are they catholics also? had thought that they would ask you to remain in the relationship because once marry is not supposed to divorce unless the other person commit adultery. (not sure if catholic belief is the same, this applies for protestants)

either way i know it's very hard for you and i truly sympathize with your situation.. sometimes we fall in love with people who are not the same faith but then come to regret it later.. i've been in the same boat before.

 

[icequeen]

Hi LIndah,

I didnt get married in the Church, i wasnt allowed to (cos he's divorcee...). So my marriage isn't recognised by the church. my dream wedding was to have a simple one in the Church, and I gave that up for him. My family's all Catholics. I didnt tell them all these things.

 

[Lindah]

how long have you two dated and married? do you feel that you can move on from it even if you get a divorce?

 

[icequeen]

Dating for 3 yrs (but broke up for a few mths) and married in April this year. All long distance, me here him there in UK. I will have to move on if we break up again. I've been lost for at least 2 years.

 

[lovefood]

Marriage is not a one-sided affair. It seem that you are the one who invested time, effort and sacrifice it. Now that it is causing too much pain to you, it is time to give up. Move on and give yourself opportunity. You soon find the right one. Even if you do not run into the right one in future, you find bliss to free yourself from this man (you have now) who don't even care.

 

[icequeen]

Thanks for listening Its hard to make the final decision, i'll be the 'mean' one.

 

[Tenshi]

hi icequeen, marrying a divorcee does not makes you an adulterer which of course if you are not the one who cause them the break out. and if i am not wrong divorcee can still get married in church that is of course if he has never get married in church (anyway this is no longer important)

In a marriage its a two way thingy. If you are the only who keep giving one day you will just break down.

give another chance on this rs of yours. make known to him that you are ready to move over to stay with him over UK instead of him moving over. at the same time tell him that the only thing tat is stopping you to proceed is his documents for you to apply for your visa. please do not hint him tell him directly.

if there is still no action on his side even after you tell him directly.... then i would recommend you to move on with your own life (as a married woman) in Singapore and at the same time give yourself some time for cooling off and reconsider again or mayb try to find out what is stopping him.

people do make mistakes at times no one is perfect. open your heart and mind to God and he will answer your prayer and give you strength.

did you guys registered your marriage in both countries?

 

[icequeen]

Hi Tenshi,

he was married in a church and that previous marriage has still not been annulled by the church. So yes according to the church i am an adulterer...that's for Catholic church, other christian churches may not be the same.

I don't dare to move over anymore, i know too that's an issue but I'm just too afraid. I was ready in the past, but i feel that his actions has made me lost all confidence. I made plans to move over, packed, submitted visa (form), all my friends and relatives knew I was going to go over soon after the wedding, I submitted many job applications to the UK agencies and companies (without luck). BUt I just don't see him do anything to help me. I asked him many times to prepare the documents before the wedding, but he came without them. I didnt get angry or even irritated then. Then it dragged on after the wedding for 3 months. So I just lost all faith in him. Emotionally or financially, he can't support me. He doesnt earn a lot but its because he refuse to move on to another job even though he can as he's well qualified. Emotionally, he hasnt been able to make me happy. He tauted me when we quarrelled, that i know no one there (in his village), where am i going to go? No matter how much I try to do for him, its a wasted effort. he only sees what I did not do, never what I have done. -- i can clear away the beer bottles and glasses every morning, but he asks why do i leave a piece of unwanted paper on the table. I cleared out his greenhouse for him, cut the grass and weeds in there, and he asks why can't i put the cut grass into the bin. We've never been living together, we are separated (though married) all these time. And when I go over for holidays, we quarrel half the time. The only way for us not to quarrel is when we don't talk about anything of importance.

In the past I asked him to come over for a visit and go for some counselling together, he told me to stop threatening him and said I need to see someone (he thinks i have mental problems).

We only got registered here.

 

[icequeen]

Sigh I know it makes me sound so bitter. I'm just very disappointed, but I still on hold to the rs by one thread. If he can just propose something, it will be so good. I've asked him again and again, for suggestions. but nothing from him. I dont think a man who really loves a woman has no suggestions.

 

[Tenshi]

my dear just that his marriage is not annulled by the church does not make you an adulterer ... you should have trust in your own faith that your church will not put name on you with what you have not committed. so dun put name onto yourself.

give yourself a bit more time and see how things goes .... at the same time try to check out what is the max time and rule if you want to renulle your marriage here. I feel by checking this out this might give you a time frame to reconsider.

errr I am sorry but would like to ask did you check out the he is really done with his divorce in UK? it really dun sounds right that since you guys are married he is still not excited for etiher both of you to start living together.

I know this thing is wearing you down but life still have to go on for you ... Be strong!! you can do it!!

 

[icequeen]

Tenshi, the church puts the name on me. :'( Its the Catholic law. of course no one would know, but according to the law, that's what i am and that's why i couldnt be married in church.

He was done with the (legal) divorce, that one its certain because he had to produce his divorce cert when we went to ROM here....

He insists that he loves me. And i asked him what he has done for me that is really for me because that's what I want. He never did answer that question. He says he wants us to be together, but i just don't know what he has done to speed that up.

Thanks for your encouragement I just want my life to turn around in some way. Whether the marriage works or not, i just want to move on.

 

[Tenshi]

clear conscious is all you need. Glad to see you making effort to move on .... am proud of you

All the best and you will be in my prayers for sure

 

[melo]

Sigh that's the problem with men.. before you marry they say they love you and are willing to go to the moon for you, after marry then the tune all changes.. Just really hoping this will not be the case for me that's why i'm a little scared to get married..

 

[icequeen]

Hi Melo,
i think my mistake was that I compromised in practically every single aspect before marriage. Seriously everything... convincing him when there's an argument that things can work out, finding solutions, bearing the responsibilities etc. I should have known then that he doesnt really love me, even if he says he does. Communication wasn't really there.
So i think, make sure there's good communication and understanding and compromise even before marriage. Compromising doesn't have to be huge, simple things like being willing to spend a day shopping with you without complains and sulking and rushing you etc means something. Unfortunately for me, it was me doing the compromising... i turned to online shopping to 'spare' him the actual shopping.

There is no perfect man, and you need to accept some flaws, but if there are many signs screaming at you that this isn't going to be a long term happy marriage, then rethink....

 

[Legacy8383]

I think you already got an answer, and it's quite certain. From what you have post, It looks he is one of those MCP. Sorry if I had use the wrong words. If the last time when you agree marriage is you are trying to give him a chance or improve. Will you feel regret? If yes, you suggest better dun go over. It's UK, not Jurong or Sembawang. you will not be happy as from what I see from your post.

 

[icequeen]

Up till this moment, he's still saying that I am constantly angry and upset with him, that's why he got numb. if he tries, we end up arguing, when he doesnt try, we also end up arguing. So he just sat and let things carry on.
He still hasnt answered me on one example of him really doing something for me. Kept saying he's tried, but i really don't know what he means by 'he's tried'.

Sigh, i just want to end it. I just want to be free again and be rid of this mental and emotional torture. I so regret marrying him.

 

[Shosh]

Hey Icequeen, sounds like he's a jerk.
Sometimes though we get caught up in the thoughts and the recent activities that has transgressed, perhaps sometimes we also remember more bad than good when we're caught up in the bad. Were there good times? If so, what were the good times like? (rhetorical question)

Long distance is really hard, and it's hard to change out of the long distance after so long so maybe he doesn't feel the need to change? If he says he loves you and if he proposed, he should be able to compromise to make you happier? If he still doesn't compromise, it's true as someone else mentioned, marriage is a 2-way thing, there's no way you yourself can make it work.

As a last measure, have you both sat down and talked about this properly? Or perhaps spoken to a marriage counsellor?

Pray about it as well, and it's good you don't keep it all inside of you.