When is it time to give up?

[icequeen]

We have finally had a talk. He said that because we always quarrelled, he gave up trying since 2 years ago (we've been together 3 years). I told him that he forgot to look at why we quarrelled, and told him its a vicious cycle - the less he did anything, the more frustrated I was, the more we quarrelled. And I told him that despite the quarrels which werent all my fault, i never stopped trying. I told him finally that I've decided to stop trying, stop putting in any effort.

he said he's sorry, he wants to try again. So I'll give him yet another chance. But I'm really not going to put in much effort... it hasn't been worth it, no way am I going to give up a proper job and spend lots of money on him again. I was so cut up last year when we broke up, but now i know, he didn't really care enough to do his part.

He didn't want to speak to a marriage counsellor in the past (neither will he now) - he told me to stop being childish and stop threatening him. Oh well...

 

[rosepetals]

hi icequeen, sorry to hear that you're in this predicament. marriage takes two hands to clap, both need to put in the effort. it must have been very tiring for you to keep working on it while he is not. really feel for you dear.

 

[billagong]

all the best! am sure you will have find your happiness

 

[icequeen]

Thanks for your well wishes. I hope so too, i'm still lost as to what to do. I look old and i've no shine. I lie constantly when people aske about me and him, our plans, why i'm still in Sg... but for what? saving my face, or still protecting him? I don't know.

I don't know why he doesnt want to let me go now, when there's no future for us. He didn't hesitate in the past to leave me, why is it that he wouldn't set me free now when i've decided to stop trying?

 

[cryoaz]

i guess he just assume that you will always hold on to the relationship so becomes take things for granted... now that you decide to give up but he just want to hold on to you....

 

[icequeen]

2 more days and ít'll be 6 mths 'anniversary'. But nothing has been achieved in these 6 mths...nothing at all. There wasn't much happiness before marriage, i was so wrong to think things would change after marriage. I've never known a less loveless marriage.

 

[icequeen]

i meant more loveless marriage....

 

[icequeen]

Yes I get your meaning Thanks.
It just takes a lot of courage to face my parents and relatives...

 

[Jiemin]

Just my 2 cents thought, what you suggest is true, you all need a professional 3rd party to help in this marriage. Since you are the end of this relationship, why not tell him is either going to marriage counsellor or just annulment(since you had prove that both of you are not staying together). This might be the last hope of this wedding, at least you can tell yourself you had done your best and have no regret. If he still love you and still want you to be with him, he will go with you.

Not wanting to go a marriage counsellor is a man thing, they do not like to admit that there is a problem.
I am sorry to say that for your RS with 2 different race, 2 different culture, 2 different environment & 2 different belief is not easy. Both of you had to put in extra effort to make this work.

 

[icequeen]

I want to discuss with him, but he won't pick up my calls. He said my number came up as unknown so he didn't pick up... but i called 6 times, and he knows that i called. he takes days to reply my sms. And i came up with a proposal of saving our marriage, but he didnt accept. Well he didnt say he reject either, he just asked, "what do you want me to say?" ....

 

[Jiemin]

Just spoke to my HTB asking about his views about marriage cousellor. He told me that he will not go to a marriage cousellor as it is admitting that you are having problem. I guess this is the different between male & female.

Female: approach a professional for help when there is a marriage problem or even before a problem arise. Female might know how to solve the problem but prefer professional help to confirm their decision is correct.

Male: refuse to admit there is a problem in the relationship, prefer to solve thing between the couple instead of the 3rd party coming in to tell them what to do cause they said they know what the professional is going to say.

Hi Icequeen, I do not know if the above help. However it might help you to understand the man from Mar. It might be a guy thing, instead of telling him what to do, ask him what he will do and work toward it. Guess guy do not like female to reject their proposal. You might never his suggestions help, if it fail, at least you had tried.

Something strike me about a question that no one asked you here, do you really want to give up on this relationship? Will you have any regret? Certain thing we cannot use logic especially relationship. At the end of the day, it is still your decision, to stay or leave.

 

[icequeen]

Hi JIemin,

I've asked my husband many times what to do. I"ve asked him, ' what do you propose we do to move forward?'. And in the end, i proposed because after months, he still don't suggest anything, doesnt talk to me at all. So i proposed in the end, something as fair as i can..

I will not regret leaving him.I"m clinging on because this is a marriage and I want to try as much as i can. I've tried very hard for this relationship, i can say it with a clear conscience. Still very hurt and sad though. I just don't know when to finally give up. sounds contradictory right?

 

[Jiemin]

Hi JIemin,

I've asked my husband many times what to do. I"ve asked him, ' what do you propose we do to move forward?'. And in the end, i proposed because after months, he still don't suggest anything, doesnt talk to me at all. So i proposed in the end, something as fair as i can..

I will not regret leaving him.I"m clinging on because this is a marriage and I want to try as much as i can. I've tried very hard for this relationship, i can say it with a clear conscience. Still very hurt and sad though. I just don't know when to finally give up. sounds contradictory right?

Hi icequeen, I guess you have the perfect answer for yourself already. Since you know how to achieve your happiness, you should go ahead. All the best for you.

 

[icequeen]

Thanks guys for your advices...

 

[zyroo]

Hi icequeen Im sorry to see your predicament. It reminded me of my ex and that is the very reason why we are no longer together. But moving on, i found my wonderful fiance. He is the best thing that happened to me. I wish the same happiness for you. On the religion side, it must be painful that you are going through having to be stuck with a label. However, all in all, you must remember, you are a precious child of God and he will not forsake you. What matters is your relationship with Him than what others think of you.

Be blessed!

 

[venuspeh]

Hi icequeen, i can understand how u feel now. U are lost and do not know which direction you should head. But from what you mentioned above, i can sense that u are not happy. because if u are happy, you will not feel doubtful about him, and will not know to move on or stay on.. I can say u have done ur best to maintain this r/s. A r/s needs 2 hands to hold hand-in-hand in order to go further and stronger. U have did your part, really.

Yes, he may have many gd points, he can be a nice guy.. but marriage is a long term commitment, and it should be sweet and happy ending. if what u see is smoky, hazy, unpredictable, i guess its time for u to let go... u deserve someone better. I believe it will come, because i found mine (after breaking up with my ex, who takes me for granted for 5 yrs).... but glad it is over. My finance treats me v well though he may not be rich, but he work hard to save up for our marriage... most impt he knows what i want, he understand me alot... Luxury is not impt if u feel the sweetness of tiny, little thoughts he did for u...

Maybe u can ask urself a simple question.... Can u live w/o him? follow ur heart and u wont go wrong... Good Luck to U!

 

[icequeen]

At this moment, there is nothing else i need to ask myself. Whether i can live without him or not, i have to leave. Because he has not ever said he wants to try again. While he has not mentioned the words annulment or divorce, he told me to do whatever pleases me.

Venuspeh: you are right, I'm not happy. I havent been for a long time but i clung on and entered marriage because I wanted to be happy with him.

I might not be happy in future, but at least then i guess i'll be living my life for myself and not planning my future around a man who doesn't care.

 

[venuspeh]

Hi icequeen, glad u have made up your mind to move on. Yes, initially u will feel miserable and lonely, but when you start to get used of it, u will regain your energy and motivation in life.. i suggest if u really wan to heal faster, stop contacting him, regardless he tries to look for u back or wat, stand firm on your decision.. if not you will need more time to recover...meet up more with your friends, and family... u will feel much better

 

[icequeen]

He still say he loves me and he won't be happy without me. Yet he called me a bully, said that I have abused him for the past 2 years, and that we are always quarrelling, and he won't move anywhere ever so the relationship won't work. And after all the money I've spent on him and this relationship and the whole wedding, he asked if I'm trying to claim half his house. I have never ever asked him to pay for anything for me, and he asked me that. And in the past when we broke up he also asked if i'm trying to cheat his money .... imagine how hurt i feel? Why is he doing this? He is putting all the blame on me, and won't talk to me. We're almost strangers now.
I've contacted a lawyer but I'm still hoping that a miracle would happen. But it doesn't seem so right?

 

[churvalo]

i agree with you linda- please dont give up ...ask God to change your husband

Hi dear, if im not wrong, in the Catholic faith, if one spouse cheats on the other, then there is grounds for divorce? Religion esp Christianity is very important to many of us and our partners should share the same faith otherwise there are potential for not getting along in the future..