My wife loves Christmas shopping, as do I, and so, naturally, we decided to shop together on our first holiday as a couple.
It was terrible.
Most times, we make excellent partners—
she thinks on her feet, while I like to plan ahead—so we usually cover all bases when we work together. The problem is, as we belatedly realized, there’s a fundamental difference between how our mind works largely due to our respective sex.
For me, Christmas shopping is a pretty straightforward process: I make a list of things I need to buy, then I buy them.
For my wife, though, the same task involves checking at least three versions of each item on her list, agonizing over each detail and how the recipient might feel about his or her gift, consulting her mom and her best friend, conducting lengthy interviews with salespeople regarding their products, and—when she’s done all that—decide that we can probably find better deals at another mall. And the process begins again.
Don’t let this man’s smile deceive you. He can’t wait for his girlfriend to finish shopping.
Image courtesy of Chris Ling Photography
This scenario, I think, highlights the big difference between men’s and women’s selection process. For us guys, we just go after what we like, simple as that. But for women, each choice must be minutely scrutinized and, as much as possible, have the approval of their fellow females. Christmas shopping aside, this is most apparent in selecting one’s partner.
And with what little I know of women—mostly due to my own experience with my wife—I think I kinda understand why.
Why Women Behave the Way They Do
Our differences and why we behave the way we do is mainly the result of how we evolved as a species. Because men are generally more physically able, if a man was unsatisfied with his initial choice, he can pursue something else; but a woman who’s made a poor choice would probably have been stuck with it and its consequences for the rest of her life. That’s why women are far more discerning when it comes to choosing a partner.
Even as we progressed and a lot of things changed, the same principle holds true. In all aspect of life, women have to choose very carefully, instinctively knowing that making the wrong choice could be very costly, whether it’s a bad haircut that diminishes their attractiveness or a romantic partner who will turn out to be unwilling to help in raising their children. In contrast, men simply aren’t faulted with their blunders. (That, or we couldn’t be bothered.)
[Admittedly, the theory of evolution isn’t a very romantic frame of how human relationships are forged, but in its own way, it’s actually wonderful to know that our behaviours have been shaped by literally millions upon millions of years of our ancestors making the right choices, which has, eventually, led to us being the way we are now. Just think: we have evolved the biological mechanism to know when we’ve found “The One”, and that, I think, is pretty amazing.]
That we can be so different and still can’t live without each other makes love all the more wonderful.
Image courtesy of Annabel Law Productions
The Subtle Game of Attraction
Some men—typically shy, socially-awkward boys—indignantly claim that it’s time women also make the first move in starting a relationship. Well, actually, women have been doing that already—they’re just very subtle about it, and for good reasons too.
Through glances, smiles, and certain body gestures, a woman can signal to a man that she likes him. With her body language, she’s telling him that, should he approach her, she’ll be open to his proposal (most likely, to go to a quiet place for a drink and a chat). The funny thing is, although men’s brains are receptive of these subtle messages, we think that we’re still the one making the first move because we’re the one who’ll walk across the room and make the invitation forthrightly. We see ourselves as the ones making the catch, when in truth we were lured.
It’s not always clear who’s trying to catch who.
Image courtesy of Digio Bridal
And women are just happy to keep men thinking that’s the way things are. They have to be coy like this because, firstly, our society deems that women who are demure and behave modestly are more desirable, that a “proper” woman should not initiate social interaction with men. Secondly, considering women’s traditional role as the one who should be desired, if a girl does make the first move and gets rejected by a man, the cost will be much higher for her. If a man gets rejected, he could just try again or try his luck with another woman; if a woman gets rejected, she loses face.
Men are often clueless how difficult it is for women to make the first move.
Image courtesy of Renatus Photography
So guys, if you think women have it easy, keep in mind that they’re actually more afraid of rejection than you are.
Bad Boys vs. Nice Guys
From King Arthur, Queen Guinevere and the knight Lancelot, to Jay Gatsy, Daisy Buchanan and her husband Tom, to Edward Cullen, Bella Swan and Jacob Black—we have no shortage of love triangles involving a woman torn between the good, dependable provider and the seductive, roguish stranger. (I know we might get some flak by sitting
Twilight next to those two classic stories, but bear with us.)
Chances are, you probably know of a love triangle like this in real life. You may have even been involved in one, and if you have, you know what a heart wrenching affair it could be. The bad boy would ask, “Why would any girl settle with such a boring dweeb?” The nice guy would ask, “Why would any girl go with such an unpredictable jerk?” And then the girl would ask questions that are, quite frankly, too many to list in this article.
And everyone wonders why it even happens.
It’s tough making a choice between two good options.
Image courtesy of Berryhappy Photography
Well, at the heart of this is the conflicting human desires for excitement and stability. (Note that this applies even if the genders are reversed. Think: Betty, Archie and Veronica, or Taylor Swift’s “You Belong With Me”.) On the one hand, there’s the charming stud with his devil-may-care attitude and promises of adventure, and on the other hand, there’s the predictably faithful nice guy willing to give everything to his love. Bad boy versus nice guy; excitement versus stability.
Knowing Your Chances
Let’s say you’re a nice guy but the girl you like put you in the “friendzone” despite all the favours you’ve done for her. Or maybe you’re a cool dude but she chose to be with an accountant over you and your Harley and bass guitar. What gives?
The answer largely depends on two factors: one, her personal preference (naturally, every girl prefers one type of guy more than the other), and two, the stage of life she’s in and whether she considers herself a youthful girl or a woman who’s come of age.
Before you make any move, ask yourself whether she’s even looking for someone like you.
Image courtesy of Volans Couture
In our youth, we think that the best parts of our lives are still ahead of us—there’s a whole world to explore and so many things to try. So why would a girl commit to a steady relationship then when she’ll still have so many (and possibly better) options in the future, right? In this case, a handsome boy with a zest for life is her best bet.
But then, there comes a point when a carefree lifestyle doesn’t seem so fun anymore and a girl wishes for something more permanent. Suddenly, seeing the world and meeting new people seem much less important than settling down and having her own family. And so now she’s looking for a dependable man who could build that life with her.
So, the next time you fall for a girl, ask yourself, What does she want? And can you change yourself to suit her needs or should you look for someone else who would want you as you are now?
Girls Who Play Hard to Get
In the game of attraction, there is nothing more frustrating for a guy than to court a girl who’s playing hard to get. (Although, with the right attitude, a man would see this as challenge rather than a setback.)
When she’s giving you mixed signals, should you keep on the chase or give up?
Image courtesy of Seletar Broadway
In my observation, there are mainly two reasons why a woman would play hard to get. The first is that because doing so raises her desirability: the more men she lead on, the more desirable she seems, and so the more she’ll attract better potential partners. Also, regardless of whether you’re a man or a woman, being desired is a great feeling. This isn’t to say that all women do this—in fact, I believe only a few do—and even some men are guilty of this. It’s just that, again, because women are traditionally the subject of desire, they’re the ones who do this more often.
The other reason why a woman would play hard to get, or why she wouldn’t give in despite showing signs that she likes you too, is because she needs her suitors to prove their worth. Even if a woman does like a man, if all he can do is profess his love but show neither skill, resources or a clear proof of his devotion, chances are further along the relationship, this man would probably be just a burden to her, leaving her with nothing but false hopes, or worse, may even be abusive. So there you go: women have to be very selective—in their choice of romantic partner, most especially—for very good reasons that are simply not obvious to men.
When she finally gives you her love, you’ll realize she’s worth all the time and effort.
Image courtesy of Iriswave
And so we circle back to the difference between men and women and how we make our choices, and hopefully now we’re more understanding of each other. I suppose it’s just unfortunate for men that women use the same brains to choose their lovers as the one they use to choose Christmas gifts.
(Reminder: There are, of course, relationships born out of spontaneous mutual attraction, in which case, hurray for the couple. Guys should also keep in mind that some women are simply being nice to them and are not leading them on in any way.)
The “Cost” of Being in a Relationship
If a guy does prove his worth and convince a woman to be with him, he now has a new set of problems, which are, Why are women so irrational? Why do they say one thing when they mean something else? And why do they fuss over every small thing? Well, the simple answer is,
so you keep paying attention.
Again, men evolved to hunt, so we tend to take things for granted after we make our “conquest” (that is, to make her say yes). We assume the challenge is done and so move on to the next task, typically, to improve our careers or save up to buy something. By being unpredictable or demanding, our partners remind us that we still have to give them the same care we showed when we were still courting them. They rebuke and confuse us just so we’ll woo them like the way we used to.
That look she gives you when she knows you’re going to give way to her eventually.
Image courtesy of Kinici Photo
Don’t get the idea that I’m any kind of expert, though. Despite being with the same woman for eight years, and what I’ve glimpsed from her mind during that time, I have accepted the fact that there are things I’ll never understand. For the life of me, I will never know why my wife needs so many shoes or what’s so interesting about cooking shows, or why women stay friends with other women they don’t really like.
If you think you don’t need to make any further effort once a woman has agreed to be in a relationship with you, you’re wrong. Maintaining a relationship with a woman means
showing your love all the time, in whatever way she needs. You have to give her gifts every now and then, reassure her that she still hold your affection, always make her your priority, be there for her, comfort her.
A healthy relationship is like an adventure—you never really understand everything completely, you just hold on and try to enjoy the ride.
Image courtesy of Avior Pictures
But that goes both ways.
There are things too that women will probably never understand about men. My wife, for example, has never quite understood my appreciation of detective novels and rare steaks despite my best efforts to explain to her, and she’ll probably never accept that computer games are an essential part of my life.
As for you, if there’s a girl you fancy, pursue her, nevermind that you don’t really understand how her mind works. Or if you’re already in a relationship, well then, brother, enjoy it. No person other than your girlfriend or spouse will see your imperfections and love you for it, who will always see the best side of you, who will help you shrug off your mistakes because she knows that you can do better.
All in all—despite the occasional frustrations and unavoidable misunderstandings—that’s an exchange I’m happy to be a part of.
