Leaving the Glory Days of Bachelorhood for a Life of Matrimony
I loved being single.
I enjoyed being free to go out whenever I liked, staying as late as I wanted to, and returning to my dormitory—well, sneaking back into my dormitory is probably truer—not worrying about a scolding once I make it through. I relished the time when I could spend days cocooned with my books or binge-watching my favourite TV series, or when I could jump at spur-of-the-moment weekend trips to Batam. Being pretty solitary, I loved being unaccountable to anyone but myself.
Image courtesy of Z Wedding Design
Then I met the girl who would one day become my wife, and it was the beginning of a different life.
These days, I have to ask for permission to stay out past 10 PM and better have a good reason whenever I had to miss dinner. I’ve given up on keeping track of pop songs or checking out new places in town, having hardly any time for them. My weekends are pretty much arranged ahead of time, and my personal engagements have to be checked against schedules for going to the paediatrician, paying visits to our parents, or meeting up with other couples. It’s not a terribly exciting life, I agree.
But you know what, I’ve never been happier. And, as it turns out—despite most guys’ complaints over losing their freedom to their marriage—getting married is often the best decision we ever make in our life.
The Fear of Commitment
Thanks in part to films that glorify bachelorhood (
The Wedding Crashers and
Knocked Up, for example), men have grown averse to commitment and, of course, getting married. For many young men, settling down is simply out of the question. Indeed, why would any guy choose a life of dull and dreary domesticity over one with late-night parties, casual hook-ups, and being able to spend your cash all to yourself? Besides,
understanding women is difficult enough, how can we even expect to enjoy living with one?
And it seems more people—men and women alike—think this way, as evidenced by the average age of marriage today (30 years old for men; 28.7 for women) coming in about five years later than it was in the 1980s when most of our parents married. This trend isn’t just the work of Hollywood though. Most of it is due to changes in our sexual politics, with arranged marriage becoming a thing of the past and more women becoming financially independent (therefore no longer having to find a husband to support them later in life).
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Today, more couples are cohabitating, that is, living together to test the waters of marital life prior to actually getting married. While this is largely a Western practice, it’s also becoming more common in Singapore where conservative traditions are still very strong. (Full disclosure: Before we got married, my partner and I had a similar arrangement—I had my own place and she would come stay with me but only during weekends.) This indicates that we are generally (although men probably more than women) are wary of commitments and less willing to let go of the autonomy we have as singles.
Undeniably, the single life can be pretty appealing, and surely a man can be
good and decent without having to be married. Dr. Bella DePaulo, in her two books and column in
Psychology Today, even makes a convincing case that uncommitted people, in fact, live better lives than their married counterparts. So, are people really better off being single? Did my wife and I—as well as the 28,407 other couples in Singapore who tied the knot this year—make the wrong choice? Well, let’s take a closer look at what it’s like to be married.
Of Health and Happiness
My wife and I share the task of taking care of our house, she doing the daily upkeep while I do the weekly general cleaning. Given our equal earnings, we also share our house expenses pretty much evenly. We’ve also arranged to divide certain tasks among ourselves: she, for example, does the groceries, while I’m assigned to do the necessary repairs. It’s a typical arrangement among couples and the reason for it is simple—
because it works.
Image courtesy of Chris Ling Photography
Sharing responsibilities is one aspect of marriage and one of its primary benefits. For those still living under the care of their parents or for the super-rich, this isn’t an issue, as they have people (by familial obligations or employment contract) who will look after them. But for most adults, life is much simpler if we only have to do the tasks that we’re good at while our partners do the tasks that they’re good at. It requires less time and effort, allowing us to pursue other things that we like.
We’ve written about the
benefits of marriage before and, well, it seems now that that was actually far from being comprehensive. Though results are not unanimous, the general consensus among researchers is that marriage brings in a myriad of benefits. Among its top perks are lower chance of substance abuse, better chances of avoiding poverty and living in a good neighbourhood, higher salaries (at least for men), and *ehem* greater sexual satisfaction.
More recent studies also find a trend of married individuals being smarter and more responsible, as well as being more likely to volunteer, give to charity, and be spiritually grounded. However, perhaps the most important benefit of marriage, incidentally also its most consistent finding, is that married people are healthier and happier.
Image courtesy of Renatus Photography
Better Individuals. We generally accept that altruism is a sign of being good, right? Well, it turns out that if you want to be a better person, getting married will probably help you. A 2002 study published in
Sociological Inquiry showed that married adults are more likely to volunteer and for longer hours. Another study, this one from the University of Michigan’s Survey Research Centre, showed that married individuals give more to charity compared to single people.
Money and Marriage. Studies upon studies show that married men take higher pays than their bachelor mates. This can be attributed to how marriage transforms men, effectively being a “rite of passage into manhood”, according to sociologist Steven Nock. With the added responsibility that comes with marriage and raising a family, married men are more practical and make more strategic decisions when it comes to their careers, according to at least one study from Harvard University. Another study, published in the
Journal of Human Resources, point that the reason married men make better employment decisions is because they benefit from the advice of their wives.
Higher Life Satisfaction. Marriage has long been associated with improved state of life, with numerous researches all agreeing that married people are considerably happier and healthier than those who remain single. A study by the Institute of Education at University College London, one of the most recent researches on the topic, has found that the healthiest group of individuals are women who married in their late 20s to early 30s and stayed married. And with health comes happiness (these two factors invariably come hand in hand in all studies). A paper published by the National Bureau of Economic Research concludes that marriage does lead to people being happier and more satisfied with their lives. Better yet, these effects extend to their children.
Marriage in the Lion City
As mentioned earlier, more people in the country are delaying getting married or even foregoing marriage outright, with the number of singles in people aged 30–34 years old having doubled since the 1970s, resulting to Singapore’s continuously low total fertility rate (TFR).
The good news is that the Government has already put in place various schemes to mitigate this issue, providing a variety of incentives to couples who decide to tie the knot and raise a family.
Foremost of these benefits is, of course, the prioritization of young working newlyweds, as well as couples who are in the process of marrying and couples who have already started a family prior to getting a permanent home, to get slots for HDB flats. (Thus Singapore’s unique case where asking your partner to get a flat is tantamount to a marriage proposal.)
Image courtesy of White Link
Says Minister Grace Fu: “Part of the goal of the Government is to try to put marriage and parenthood back up on the list, to stress that it's not something that you can wait for far too long, because there's always a sweet spot for doing this, for getting married, getting to know people.”
The focus of the Government’s enhanced Marriage and Parenthood Package is to improve the country’s ailing TFR. The Package, which is estimated to cost $2 billion each year, now includes larger baby bonuses, subsidies for more fertility treatments, improved benefits for mothers on short-term employment, making paternity leaves mandatory in all companies, and wider Medisave coverage for children.
“Singaporeans are the core of society,” says Deputy Prime Minister Teo Chee Hean, “and the best and the most fundamental way to build a stronger Singaporean core is to encourage marriage and parenthood.”
For Better or Worse
So, is it definitely better to be married than single? Are you really losing out on something great? Should you finally
make that wedding proposal? Well, no—not for sure.
Statistics just show the majority, not conclusive proof of what’s good or bad. As in most things, marriage is a matter of personal preference: some people are made for it, some not; and some people benefit from it more than others. And far be it for me to paint marriage as a life of financial stability, domestic harmony, and sex anytime you want. If that were the case, the number of divorces in Singapore wouldn’t be as high as it is.
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Also, more than a few researches show that marriage is not beneficial in all aspects of life. Marriage has been linked to weight gain, with couples who marry at a young age more likely to become obese. Married people also exercise less frequently and are less likely to maintain contact with their friends.
Singlehood has its benefits too. Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, you can have fun being single as much as
in a relationship: for extroverts, singlehood provides more opportunities to meet and get closer to different people; meanwhile, introverts may just be built for the single life as both are good at providing their own sources of comfort and security. Being single also gives people more time for solitude, which they can use for internal growth or to pursue other interests. In the armed services, people who have never been in a relationship prove to be more resilient than anyone else.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that while, on the whole, married people have better lives, singles are often fine by themselves too. If you’re honestly okay on your own and you grow more as a person being single, then it’s perfectly alright to stay that way.
However, if you’re already in a relationship and you and your partner know that you could happily spend the rest of your lives together, then there’s actually little reason to delay getting married. Because, as studies tell us, once we say our vows—“For better or worse, for richer and for poorer, in sickness and in health”—chances are we’ll probably spend more days being better, richer and healthier.
Over at the Pub
One night, I was out for a drink with my best friend—who is, incidentally, a single guy—and I was telling him about my petty woes over my marriage: that I can’t go out too often anymore, that my wife sometimes nags, that she isn’t as pretty as she used to be. At one point he asked whether I regretted getting married, and it took me aback.
I found the question astounding because it has, in all honesty, never crossed my mind. Because those little problems aren’t representative of my marriage—they’re the few crinkles in it. My wife may nag, yes, but it’s about things like making me take my medicines when I’m sick; sure, she’s gained a few pounds and lines on her face, but so had I, and at least she has the perfectly awesome excuse of having given birth to our child, the greatest joy of our lives.
Perhaps that’s another thing to take about married men. We may pine for our bachelor days, its freedom and its perks, but the truth is, we’re pretty happy with the way things are. None of the excitement of being single would ever match the sense of security and fulfilment I get from my family. I loved being single, but I love being married even more.
My friend and I called it a night a little over 10 o’clock. He invited me to come with him to another bar where he’s expecting to meet some of our old friends. I declined and got in a cab, on my way to the home I've built and the family I love.
Image courtesy of Digio Bridal
